Celebrating the Spring Holidays

Hasan’s Thanksgiving Hot Takes | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

Hasan’s Thanksgiving Hot Takes | Deep Cuts | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj | Netflix

“Can you name all 50 states within two minutes.” Yes. Next Question. Alright. “Imagine you’re in the U.K. Somebody
asks you to give them a tinkle on the blower. What do you do?” Uh… Okay, I don’t know what that is, but if you do that
you’re probably gonna see 25 years to life in prison. What is it? Shreeya, are you here? What is a “tinkle on the blower?” Give someone a call… Give someone a call… It’s called a tinkle on the blower? Have you said that here in the States? Like at work you’re just like,
“Give me a ‘tinkle on the blower.’” “If you had to cook Thanksgiving dinner
all by yourself with no help from anyone, would you be able to do it?” Uh, no. Absolutely not. I would probably be able to make a turkey
sandwich, and then a Toaster Strudel for dessert. It’d be a good– I hate turkey by the way. I think turkey’s overrated. That’s my hot take. You’re snapping on that? We’re doing the snaps. Is this really that divisive? I just think it— If I— if I told you guys, right here,
right now, “Hey guys, guess what? I got turkey for the entire audience, today.” – No, you wouldn’t say that! You would not say that. No, no, no, no. Don’t do that weird snap shit. Did you feel exactly what you guys did as
soon as I said I got turkey for the entire audience? You viscerally were like, “What?” It makes no sense. We’ve been brainwashed to
believe that turkey is the go-to meat. It’s dry, it’s– it’s wack. It requires— Yes! It requires a side piece. Like, it’s the LeBron,
but it needs a Kyrie to get the job done. “But, oh, but with gravy it’ll be able—” No. I’m talking about as a solo dish. We should replace turkey with chicken,
because everybody loves the fixin’s. Nobody’s denying the value of the fixin’s. I say we just replace the main thing and then we’re—
our whole starting line-up is good top to bottom. But the fact that turkey’s the
franchise player is fucking stupid. Sir, would you agree with that? Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thanksgiving’s great though. I really
like Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving’s amazing. Alright, “Are you gonna do any
Black Friday shopping this year?” Um, I actually really love going back home
for Thanksgiving and then going to Black Friday and running into people from high school. That’s my favorite thing to do. ‘Cause there’s nothing to do in Sacramento. Like, the mall is the only place. You just go to
the mall, you hang out outside of H&M, and then… You know what I mean?
And then you’re like, “Whoa, you’ve changed.” You guys like Black Friday? I love Black Friday. Eh? Do you guys like— Cyber Monday? What? No. There’s like, no, like—
Cyber Monday’s like any day. Minus— I mean, sure it has deals, but you’re,
physically, you’re not doing anything different. You’re just like, “Alright, I’ll get that, Amazon.” Um, I used to work, uh, Black Fridays because
you get time and a half on Black Fridays. So, when I was at Office Max, I would do Black Friday— Don’t laugh at that. That’s not the funny part of this story. Why you guys hating on Office Max? Let me live. I used to sell printers at Office Max. Sell printer paper. Nobody would come in. It was great. Nobody was going to Black Friday at Office Max. There would be, like, a couple of weirdos that were like,
“Can I have one of the five iPads that you have? I know you have five.” And you’d be like, “Alright. Take it.” There were some hardcore heads. We’d have like, one Motorola Razr phone. And I’m like,
“No one’s gonna come in and get this,”and at 6:01 A.M., someone comes in, they’re like,
“Where’s the Razr phone?” “What would the Patriot Act
Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon look like?” Alright, in my mind, this would be the funniest.
If, like, we took over the, like the Macy’s Parade, but it was all just autocrats. So you’d see, like, Snoopy, but then you’d see MBS,
Duterte, Modi, like, it’s just like, freaking people out. Just these giant floating autocrats. “What is your favorite Christmas movie? What is Najme’s favorite Christmas movie?” Um, I like, uh— my Christmas
rotation would be, like, Home Alone. Right? One and Two. We gotta do One and Two. Don’t do Three. Don’t bother with Three. Love Actually. That’s a good one. Right? Watch that with wifey, right?
Love Actually is fun. My dad loves Home Alone 2. That’s a classic. “With the holiday season approaching,
do you and Beena have any unique traditions you want to establish early with your daughter?” You know, growing up, my parents—
we didn’t have a Christmas tree in the house, but Beena’s family, they have a Christmas tree—
and I love Christmas. Christmas is fucking great. You guys celebrated Christmas growing up? – Yeah, it’s awesome. I’m super envious of it. ‘Cause being at home, being Muslim, you’re just
at home and none of your friends can go out— You’re just literally at home,
none of your friends can come out and play. Right? You’re like,
“Hey, can you come out?” And they’re like, “No… I’m with my family. What are you doing?” And I’m like, “We’re just like, staring at each other.” Everything’s closed, you can’t do anything. Yeah, there’s basketball all day long.
But, yeah, you’re just sitting there. You want, you know… interaction. Don’t perpetuate the stereotype that we just
want to sit in the living room and… Really? Yeah, so are you gonna change the—
are you gonna change the cycle now? She had an outfit? Oooh. The way you said that, you were like,
“She had a fit. She was dressed up as Santa. She changed.” You know how like, when we get older,
our parents like, chill out? She didn’t like it? The Christmas tree was the tipping point? Damn. Dude, I love Christmas. It’s the best. So that’s what we’re gonna do.
We’re gonna have a Christmas tree. I don’t care. We’re gonna do a Christmas tree.
Pure corporate. I don’t care. “As someone who can relate to often have their
name mispronounced, I have a challenge for you. How would you pronounce the name ‘Sssst?’” Okay. It’s S-S-S-S-T. Okay. This question comes from… It’s not from Sssst. It’s from Qiturah. Qiturah? Q-I-T-U-R-A-H. Qiturah. Got it. When you had Sssst next to Qiturah,
I’m like, “What’s going on?” Yeah, part of me was like, “Are you Sssst?” Sssst. Sssst. Wait, wait. You know the answer, right? Sssst. Okay. So I’m gonna guess, here we go. Sssst. Okay. Sst. Sss-tuh. Sat. Ryan. Okay, what is it? Forest? What— what? Ooooh. That’s not a thing! No. Nah, that’s mad like— No, that’s fucked up. Qiturah, I thought this was like a
cultural moment where you were like— “There’s an ancient Brazilian civilization that—
they’re the Ssssts.” Forest. Did you see that coming?
– Five. Four-St. Dude, I got set up bad. Alright, this is a good one.
“Would you rather burn your collection of Jordans or have no beard for life.” Keep the Jordans? And shave? Nah, I gotta shave. No, you know what? Because I saw Donald Trump, Jr. He’s fucking up the beard. You gotta shave, you gotta shave. We gotta shave. Dude, have you seen him with the beard? It’s—
it, it made me go like, “Dude, I gotta go clean shave.” I mean, it would be like— It would be Patriot Act hosted by a thirteen year old.
I look— I look like a child. Alright, we’ll do one last—
one not off the cards, just— anyone have a question? Alright, let me think. Here, what’s up? What?! Alright, what’s up, what’s up? I’m not gonna do that. That’s like, “What do I like most about myself,
I’m so glad you’re asking as I stand on this stage.” Come on. This is a trap. This is a trap. Okay, what’s up, man? Ooooh. Yeah, I get pretty close every time.
I, I do the, like, the little duck but I’ve never done it. Now you’re going to
make me feel very self conscious, though.

Reader Comments

  1. how can Hassan be so good about the bad stuff yet cool with the same consumption engendered by black Friday; ffs, be consistent man

  2. By the way hassan tan was mistaken on layers thing you are proportionally within beauty ratios so wearing shorter upper fits not cool… Yet wearing too much jerseys is too casual.. Yet whenever you wear a shirt long short sleeves is cool.. Away from orange toons and jazz patterns..

  3. You have a problem with Modi.. he is not autocrat.. atleast not in comparison to other options.. if he is .. so is congress..
    and in your views, or international media overall very conveniently forgets to divulge both sides of the story..

    true state of indian politics

  4. Hasan if your eating dry turkey your not eating properly cooked turkey. Come to my house in Canada for Thanksgiving and I promise you'll love turkey again.

  5. Now this is just spreading false information simply because you are funded by the left. Modi is not an autocrat. A simple Google search will confirm that. He's a democratically elected PM of the world's largest democracy.

  6. Guys gift ur friends on this Christmas, black Friday, thanks giving festive eve with this great surprise

  7. It's not about if you like turkey or if it's overrated or not… It's about 46 millions sentient beings that are killed just for those couple of days… I mean, how fucked up is that? That's like the population of Switzerland, Austria, Belgium, Hungary and Luxemburg together.

    I think Hasan should definitely spend some more time on speciecism… I don't think you can really call yourself progressive when you see what animal agriculture does to billions of beings as well to the climate and the environment in general (and let's not forget about global famine and so on).

    #PardonAllTheTurkeys #ThanksLiving


    It becomes easier to look for Patriot Act in the list with your face on, man!

    Step up, man… Be the face of this show 😛

  9. I make turkey legs sliced seasoned with spices jerk sauce carrots and sweet peppers and onions and my kid loves it and some thinks it's mutton! Never dry fall off the bone!😎 2019

  10. Turkey gravy is amazing but everything else about it is super over rated. Chicken is just better in pretty much every way except it has a little more fat which is probably why it tastes better.

  11. Thanksgiving should be
    Because the British screwed them.

  12. SSSST is a stupid fucking name. The dumbass parents that desperately want a "unique" name for their kids are usually colossal dipshits that are only saddling their kids with a life of misery.

  13. You just did a show on fast fashion, and now you're talking about how you love Black Friday, and to hang out in front of H&M at the Sacramento mall?! You're doing important work, but it feels diluted when you make statements like that.

  14. Thanksgiving, while being an American holiday, was a massacre on native indigenous folk that has been whitewashed by, you guessed it, white americans. Now hundreds of years later school children are taught something other than facts. You really should research your material before you release it. Sorry, I like you, but you have been misinformed about some basic american history. This is why i have given you a thumbs down on this "story".

  15. Hey Hassan and patriot act crew
    Please do an episode on rapes (india) and government law for this offence (i.e only 12 years of jail time) .

  16. Turkey isn't great as a roasted meat, but Turkey soup is waaaaaay better than chicken soup. Turkey is the ideal soup meat. Don't @ me

  17. TURKEY is the main dish and not chicken because there were no chickens at the first Thanksgiving. Chickens are not native to Americas but Turkeys are.

  18. dry??? seriously??? so he has never had fried turkey. someone fry that man a turkey. once he has had fried turkey he'll never dis turkey again. i have never had a dry fried turkey. gravy… whats gravy?

  19. https://youtu.be/0_55_hUzYsA
    Please watch this video. I'm a fan of Hassan but not everything he tells is a 100%true. He made the show on Indian elections and it was great. Also I had a lot of misunderstood ,old-school thoughts about India as Hassan himself doesn't full understands India as it is.

  20. The intro for the episode Indian elections was funny but it wasn't accurate. A group of Indian families are shown suggesting Hassan not to talk on Indian politics and telling him that he might get killed. I mean, seriously?Who the hell will kill him and for what? As a fact, a lot of NRIs and Indian residents themselves have spoken more vocally on those subjects than him. They are not only alive but also thriving in their field. So except such old school thought, it was a fun show in which I could not laugh much as I am an Indian.

  21. Hassan, i'm sorry for doing this but i have to. after hearing you say what you would look like without your beard, i found one. i believe its old, from a time when you were still a little nervous about being you. https://youtu.be/NeVZYaheE3Q there it is Hassan, you have come so far. much love and respect.

  22. Bob Marley & The Wailers Lyrics


    (Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow!

    Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow!)

    Yeah, yeah, yeah!

    How can you be sitting there

    Telling me that you care –

    That you care?

    When every time I look around,

    The people suffer in the suffering

    In everyway, in everywhere.

    Say: na-na-na-na-na (na-na, na-na!):

    We're the survivors, yes: the Black survivors!

    I tell you what: some people got everything;

    Some people got nothing;

    Some people got hopes and dreams;

    Some people got ways and means.

    Na-na-na-na-na (na-na, na-na!):

    We're the survivors, yes: the Black survivors!

    Yes, we're the survivors, like Daniel out of the lions' den

    (Black survivors) Survivors, survivors!

    So I Idren, I sistren,

    A-which way will we choose?

    We better hurry; oh, hurry; oh, hurry; wo, now!

    'Cause we got no time to lose.

    Some people got facts and claims;

    Some people got pride and shame;

    Some people got the plots and schemes;

    Some people got no aim it seems!

    Na-na-na-na-na, na-na, na!

    We're the survivors, yes: the Black survivors!

    Tell you what: we're the survivors, yeah! – the Black survivors, yeah!

    We're the survivors, like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego

    (Black survivors),

    Thrown in the fire, but-a never get burn.

    So I Idren, I-sistren,

    The preaching and talkin' is done;

    We've gotta live up, wo now, wo now! –

    'Cause the Father's time has come.

    Some people put the best outside;

    Some people keep the best inside;

    Some people can't stand up strong;

    Some people won't wait for long.

    (Na-na-na-na-na!) Na-na-na, na-na-na na!

    We're the survivors

    In this age of technological inhumanity (Black survival),

    Scientific atrocity (survivors),

    Atomic misphilosophy (Black survival),

    Nuclear misenergy (survivors):

    It's a world that forces lifelong insecurity (Black survival).

    Together now:

    (Na-na-na-na-na!) Na na-na na na! (Na na-na na na!)

    We're the survivors, yeah!

    We're the survivors!

    Yes, the Black survivors!

    We're the survivors:

    A good man is never honoured (survivors)

    in his own yountry (Black survival).

    Nothing change, nothing strange (survivors).

    Nothing change, nothing strange (Black survivors).

    We got to survive, y'all! (survivors) – [fadeout]

  23. How is Modi an autocrat? and how can you compare him with mbs?
    Mbs have a complete power just because he was born in royal family where as Modi is chosen by people. And Modi can't do anything he wants as recently they can't even form the government in Maharashtra. He has to pander to the majority of people to stay in power.

  24. turkey IS overrated, you're right and you should say it hasan lmao. in my family, usually we cook a great big asian dinner, or buy a roast duck from a local asian bbq shop.

  25. Maybe my Twitter handle ought to be @whitesplaining … All the same, please mobilize your resources to unlove Thanksgiving.

  26. His Macy's Day Parade float would have him looking like Slash from Snowboard Kids. Just an average head with huge spikes for hair.

  27. Hasan when talking to a random Indian man: “Uncle”
    Hasan when talking to random white man: “Sir, do you agree with that?”

  28. Man I dislike fakewestern Muslims so much. They claim that they are Muslims but really don't follow Islam at all. All their lives western cultured life. Hasan one of them, I hope when his parents passes away he comes out of the closet as an atheist instead faking being something he doesn't want to follow and practice.

  29. 5:01 Saaaame. I'm Jewish so no Christmas here either, although when my sis and me were kids my parents brought inside a tiny potted pine tree we have for us to decorate a bit and then gave us gifts on the 24th so we wouldn't feel left out hah.

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